Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
did i walk over a car last night?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
