she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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