4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
