She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
