my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
