My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
