Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
