In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
A bitchslap is in order.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
That was before I lit my hair on fire
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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