Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
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