Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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