Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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