Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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