nut hugger
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
