He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
