My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
