I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
did i walk over a car last night?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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