I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
