i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
