shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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