I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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