dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
