I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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