So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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