You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
