I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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