I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
