I skipped work to stalk him.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
