Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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