In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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