life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
