My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
PANTIES FOUND
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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