how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
