epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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