I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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