I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
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Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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