So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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