i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
