Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
