My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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