I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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