I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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