I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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