he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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