this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
