their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
