she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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