Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
