there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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