FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Randomize
