I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
