Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
