I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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