You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize