this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
