just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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