just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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