my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
