Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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