dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
