Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
