this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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