Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize