I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
