She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
